I forgot what it was like, I think. I used to speak to groups of Americans about what I did. I had my lines down perfectly. I knew where to put the emphasis to get the laugh. I knew which part was worth the most shock value. I could present myself perfectly. But I left the army and started school and I felt naked. It was like all of those things I had said--or worse, all of those things I had done--were all talk. It was all bullshit. The self righteous Ya'el with her gun and her dog and her boots and her pride had melted into a puddle and for the first time in three years I saw the man behind the curtain. I spoke to those groups a few more times but it wasn't the same. When they asked me why I did it, I couldn't remember. Or worse, I could remember. I could only remember the real answer. "I didn't want to go to college." I couldn't remember the answer I was supposed to give. "I love this country. It is our haven and it is our duty to protect it. It asks nothing of us and we cannot take that for granted." I worked hard on this shit. Perhaps not consciously but I had a thousand bus rides with strangers to practice my lines and try out new material. I dreamed of the day that I would tell them where I was in the army. I got butterflies just thinking about how the boys would look at me when they found out that I was the dog handler that was coming with them. But there is a new struggle now. Do I let people know? No. They find out when they find out. I already have enough traits that cloud their judgement. So I'm listening to O and keeping it to myself as much as I can. I hope I can make it.
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